A Tough Promise to Keep
There are 52 million Americans age 65 and older, and that number is expected to double by 2060. We face new challenges as we age, not the least of which is who will care for us when we can no longer care for ourselves.
Many caregivers and families make a gallant effort to keep their loved ones at home for as long as possible. The idea of moving into assisted living or a nursing home is fraught with emotion, for all parties concerned. How many of you have promised to ‘never put mom in a nursing home’? It is an easy promise to make; not so easy to keep.
In some cases, seniors will develop complex, chronic illnesses such as cancer or diabetes, or progressive conditions like Parkinson’s. Others will develop cognitive diseases including Alzheimer’s. In those instances, making the decision to move from home to a health care setting is simpler as the loved one is in immediate need of specialized care they cannot receive elsewhere.
There are many seniors who seem to be fine on their own. A forgotten oven left on here, or help needed with a technology issue there, does not necessarily mean a person needs nursing care. But there are signs to look for that are clues your loved one is getting closer to needing help to remain safe and maintain a high quality of life.
Below are a few of the most common signs:
· Changes in behavior including withdrawal from activities and cutting off communication
· Confusion and disorientation that imperils physical safety
· Incontinence or other declines in physical health
· An inability to care for themselves or neglecting daily chores
· Forgetting to take medications
· Several trips to the emergency room for falls or other accidents
One of the biggest reasons seniors stay in their homes longer than is necessarily safe for them is the reluctance of family members to face the reality that dad needs more help than you can provide. The time has come to make some hard decisions.
Along with being hard, those decisions are fraught with guilt. After all, promises were made, and you are about to break them.
Before we talk about how to deal with the guilt of placing a loved one in long-term care, let’s dispel a few misconceptions about the long-term care industry, specifically at Bethel Lutheran Home. Our priority at Bethel is the care of those who live within our community. We follow Christ-centered principles that keep our focus on ensuring the safety and wellbeing of our residents. When your loved one becomes a member of our community, they become a member of our family. Our residents don’t live where we work, we work where they live -a sentiment that guides our daily interactions with those we are blessed to serve.
Even with the reassurance that you are placing your loved one in a situation that will provide them with needed care, you can experience guilt. Below are a few tips on how to deal with those feelings.
Give yourself time and permission to grieve. Acknowledge and accept your emotions for what they are. The lives of you and your loved ones are changing, and it is okay to mourn the change.
Shift your focus away from feelings of obligation and toward feelings of unconditional love. Remind yourself frequently that your mom or dad is safer, less isolated, and better cared for.
Remember that you're doing the best you can under difficult circumstances that are largely out of your control.
Acknowledge the fact that nursing home care is a necessary reality for millions of people, including your parent. Take comfort knowing that you did not cause your parent's physical or cognitive impairments.
Give yourself permission to have a life that isn't totally focused on your parent.
Establish healthy boundaries when visiting your loved one, making each visit as fun or meaningful as you can. Set up new ways to connect with your parent when you can't be there (such as phone calls, texts, or video chats).
Seek emotional support from your friends or close family members, your spiritual community, or appropriate support groups.
Recognizing when your loved one needs additional help, facing the tough decisions, and then finding peace with those decisions is key to making the transition from home to healthcare setting easier for both parties concerned.
For additional help and information reach out to our Bethel staff.